Old vs New

I truly experienced mixed feelings today-there was a wistful tug of the old and at the same there was a pull of the new that just wouldn't be ignored for a second. Years (a little more that a decade) ago during Dusshera I used to go to watch a firecrackers display at a temple on the outskirts of Hyderabad. I distinctly remember the old temple with a huge 'ratham' shelter at the entrance. A sort of fair used to be held in the grounds around the temple. For as far as the horizon went I don't remember seeing any other construction. In these deserted barren fields we used to sit and enjoy the fire works. For a good half an hour the sky would turn red, green, pink, gold, silver and the sparkles would rain down on us. Once, I remember, we were a little late so we could see the display from a distance. It was a beautiful sight. Those were the days before the 'akash mela' type crackers were sold in shops during Deepawali. Besides, sitting right under the lit up sky in a barren field is a totally different feeling from watching it from the terrace in the midst of the concrete jungle.

Yesterday I went for a drive towards Gachibowli - financial district. I had been to this place a yr and a half ago and was totally mesmerized by it. The buildings were amazing then. I have never been able to put into words what I really feel when I see an imposing modern construction. The DB building in Berlin, the arch in Paris, La Tour Eiffel... So many wonderful constructions. I have a special love for constructions that are all glass, metal and wood. So, yesterday I saw the ICICI building and... hhhuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Isn't civil engineering freaking awesome???!!!

Coming back to the topic, on the way to the financial district I some how remembered that old temple and told my friends about it. Today I went for a drive to the same place with my family. On the way I asked my dad about that temple. He took me there... and it was right there... right next to the financial district!!! One moment I was ogling at the ICICI building and the next moment I was horrified to find the empty ground gone, the now shabby looking temple smothered between buildings with a road right next to it. For a while all I could think was "how could this be? It can't be the same temple... Its not right!"

Then it struck me... all our wonderful big strides towards progress, towards the beautiful wonderful future, are trampling over many such invaluable memories. True, we should move forward, but I have a strong suspicion that we are going about this the wrong way. There is some thing really wrong with how we look at modernization. There is a huge element of randomness/chaos in our plans for the tomorrow. How can it be right when everything old is ignored without a second thought and all thats new is the only right thing? How can we step into the future without the watchful presence of the past? The problem with our rich old heritage is that, for whatever reason that suited the people of the eras gone by, most of it doesn't have an explanation. It has been converted into a superstition you either believe or not. The sound reason behind was not passed on through the generations and this has prevented us from having the power to mold it to present practicality.

I hate traditions, I really do! Not many people can really explain to me WHY the hell we ought to follow them. My first reaction to anything someone says "we OUGHT to do" is "why?" I really want to know the science behind it but I know my tone suggests irritation, but I do want to understand it and try it to make it appropriate for the present. I don't want to leave our past behind. There is so much beauty in it. It runs too deep in our blood to be able to renounce it altogether. But isn't adapting our heritage to the present times the only way to walk into the future with the best of the past in our hearts?

My fascinasssiiioonnnnn

My fascination with Civil Engineering began on 8th Feb 2003 - 6 years ago today, or was it that walk in KBR Park-wayyyy back when in school-when dad explained to me how dams function and how hydroelectric power is generated? Anyway, when I first came to know what Pre-stressed concrete was all about and got to see girder casting at various stages, the whole concept of manipulating materials to get higher and higher load bearing capacity structures blew me away. Way back in 10th class when I wanted to be a doctor and was completellyyyy fascinated by the whole I-can-help-save-another-person's-LIFE seemed to be the most noble thing in the world, I remember asking my mom what is that noble about civil engineering anyway it is just roads and buildings it isn't so vital. Ignorant little sneha!!! Mom replied that the roads we built helped people get medical help, help farmers transfer their produce in time etc etc... I got the point, but was never completely convinced. Some time later I did decided to do engineering anyway since I "couldn't study sooooo much!!!"

I joined civil engineering anyway 'coz I fell in love with it and besides, as I did rationale much later, I disliked coding and working on a comp for hours, anything microscopic didn't really get processed in my head, everything had to be macro, and I didn't like mechanics as much... I pretty much had no choice. Well all that reasoning came much after I joined civil engineering. though I still don't understand how I thought I'd be a civil engineering without liking mechanics.

Once in Civil Engineering every subject I learnt (after the 1st year) made me realise how important it is in the society today. True computers might have made life easier and more comfortable... But almost every other comfort of a CIVIL-ized society comes from the drawing board of a civil engineer. Safe drinking water, water distribution, rain water drainage, water for irrigation, canals for irrigation, disposal of sewage, homes, schools, hospitals, offices, stadiums, theatres, roads, highways, expressways, bridges, airports, runways, sea ports, railways, dams, hydro electric power, power transmission towers, cell phone towers on and on... It actually blew me away how we are a part of everything that goes on in the world today. From water for crops to eat and water to drink and then safely disposing the waste created, hi-fi places to live in to smooth roads for your sports cars to zip by, electricity for your computers to work and cell phones to cover your network where ever you go... Be it essentials or luxury... ever at your service!!!

What one doesn't see is that behind all the hi-funda glossy stuff is the dusty yellow capped site engineer or an engineer back in the office turning over a million ideas in his head and making sure you get the highest priority of safty! Though all this hit me in under-grad and I went around feeling I was in a pretty much noble profession after all. Wondering how many people my designs would touch some day...!!! It took my grad class of High Speed Rail Engineering at UIUC and ONE map to make me realise what Civil Engineering is all about...

When high speed rail ~ 300Kmph can make one whole country seem like one big city... Just imagine!!! Just imagine what it does to your country's economy. You could be living any were and working any where. Your cities don't get cluttered up any more and your population is more distributed. Imagine what you could do with more living space per person! That helps you provide better basic amenities to everyone. Need and demand will not be limited by distance any more. You wouldn't have to migrate in order to survive. The wealth will also start trickling down to the grass roots. Well that's just my obsession with High Speed Rail now... But that is the same with any good transportation system - your local trains, subways, busses or even airplanes!!!

Then, there is my earthquake engineering class. Prof Elnashai keeps quoting in class that it is a science dealing with forces we don't completely understand, about effects we can't really predict, in a way the client doesn't know. He also says that after going through the earthquake characteristics we would get absolutely demoralised as to what can we really do about it?! True... totallly true!!! But we do go ahead anyway... To try and understand to make it a little better. How amazing that we are actually attempting to put up a fight with the forces of Nature!!! Woah... but hey... we have to do it! 'Coz quoting Prof Elnashai again 'when you have the whole crust and decide to build on a fault you deserve what you get' but we can't be that heartless now can we? We build your world after all!!!

as 'Random' as 'Musing' can ever get!!!

Every one is not the same… One of the easiest assumptions in life is that if I am like this then how can the rest of the world not be the same. If I feel so much pain over something everyone also must feel the same in the same situation. It is when they fail to react the same way that most of the hurts, fights, tears spring up. It is the most difficult thing in the world to place ourselves in another person’s shoes. I wonder if it can ever be done. Each of us is an end product of different water cement ratios with our own unique combination of admixtures; compacted to a different degree and placed in our own mould. How can we ever transcend all these differences and understand why a person behaves such and such???

So, did Hitler never feel guilty for all the atrocities that have been committed because of him??? May be the wonderful thing called conscience was never in his recipe at all. So he probably never thought of it that way. Like Alfred says in the Dark Knight “Some men just like to see the world burn”. The world around us offers us so many choices. So many paths we can take. I believe destiny has our own picked out way ahead of us… we get there some time in life. It is only the longer or shorter path that is in our hands. Well may be we also have this emergency button of totally shipwrecking our future also within reach. So, how much of who we are meant to be is really in our hands? If the right ingredients are left out then even the best of opportunities may not help us make the right future.

The only way to understand the present is to know the past. This was one theory I picked up from my uncle (Ravindranath Kola) when he told me that caste was kind of important even today because it gives us a broad idea of how people of a certain caste tend to behave in a certain way. So knowing what a person has been through explains his attitude and thinking at the present moment more then anything else. But then I am caught between thinking if their past excuses them for the present or is it a “so what? They should learn to get over it!” situation. I tend to lean over the former most of the time… unless I am too angry and then I wonder why they shouldn’t get over it. Then, when I mellow down I tend to think ‘well, not every one has the fire to get over big obstacles in life.’

Getting over our shortcomings is a difficult task. It is the task of life time I think. Though it seems that getting to know our shortcomings is the major hurdle I think it is mustering enough determination and courage to actually begin to change your own self. It is those rare individuals that do that that enter the historical records of great people admired and slightly envied by the rest of us common folk. I know I have contradicted my own statement many times… but then again there isn’t a universal right or wrong is there. It is all a matter of perspective… and each situation calls for its own set of rules to play with.

Fairytales or Reality???!!!

Cinderella and her magic pumpkin, jack and the beanstalk, Ugly duckling's transformation, Snow-white's seven dwarfs... The happily ever after stories... Every kid all over the world is fed with the same - with a nice helping of their local flavour. Girls are expected to sigh and wait for their prince to come... sing songs till he does... play with birds and animals... look at flowers... and dream away... or sit piteously in the dungeon locked up by the evil step mom till prince charming comes along. Those girls hardly ever do anything else... (Which is why I love Disney's Mulan best of all... she wants to do something... goes and fights for her beliefs instead of waiting for some guy to come along singing a ballad!) The prince charming will come along in his own sweet time... Love at first sights...then comes fighting the evil (what ever form it takes). Sweep the princess off her feet... and happily ever after. For unfortunate people ugly or poor... magic is right around the corner to bless them with a happily ever after for being ever so good! So being good is rewarded and Bad people are punished... That is what kindergarten and most of school life ever teaches you.

As I grew older my fairy tales changed... they became schoolgirls at boarding school with strong wonderful friendships to add beauty to life. Then came the girls in Montgomery’s tales... girls with strong minds who make wonderful nests at home and where family and friends dominate everything in the world. Where it is good good good all around... Even Austen and Alcott don't venture any where near reality. The most they say is how ever bad things get... it will always always get better. Ups and downs are part of life. But there is always a silver lining to every black cloud. Even Harry always fights the evil and there is the hope of a better tomorrow. The worst in life glossed over by strong friendships and love. LOTR I feel comes close... Because by feeling the knife in his body, Frodo shows that every experience of life marks you forever. You are never the same again.

Though they all teach that there is something to learn from every experience, they forget to add a footnote to say that you also leave something behind. You shall not pass through life without being branded by every low and every high and the in betweens... This is what you have to learn for yourself. Fine I know books and movies and stories are for entertainment only... There are biographies to read if you want to know the reality in life. But by the time you get old enough to read them and digest it you are thrown on to the highway of life. Nothing is fair, not everything is good and nice. Evil doesn't always loose. There are no rewards for being good apart from a peaceful night's sleep... but at the same time I doubt if evil is punished with sleeplessness because they don’t know they are the evil ones, so they most often get away with it all. They are the ones who get everything in the world and have great lives. I refuse to accept that they have down moments - they might get lonely, they 'ought' to be guilty, they 'ought' to be awake always with a prickly conscience. BUT... they don’t know the good things in life so they don’t miss them anyway. My mom still says they will get the worst of it. BUT I think otherwise... I sometimes envy those people who get away with everything... BUT I have never wanted to be them. I am happy with what I am... COZ whatever it is... it is all ME!

It is time to stop living in dreams and fairy tales... the only dreams in life worth dreaming - says the world today - is to get ahead, get successful, grow, aim for heights... Move over enlightenment, fine arts, love for nature, the need to help around... Get successful and be something in this world to do all that. Prove that you can get it all before you scoff at it. There is no place for just being nice good and happy and living life enjoying the ride... Push the ride... test its limits... get into the stream and keep running. Never ever pause for a second and think what is happening. You haven't got time for such things anymore. Life is cruel and life is harsh - Yup Ayn Rand you might be the only one who got it right... without glossing it over with metaphors. No one promised you a happy safe ride where everything is the way you wanted it to be... but stop dishing out stories that make you discontent in life. Stop the Alchemist who says that if you want something really bad... the whole world contrives to help you get it. Shake Richard Bach and tell him that reality is not what you imagine... not everything in your life is there 'coz you got it there. That is not how it works... LIFE IS... you just have to make the most of it. Don't ever expect to get off unchanged when the ride is over... Just hope you will be able to recognise yourself when you look down at yourself when you have to leave...

Patriotism the Bollywood way...

Patriotism and Hindi motion pictures have always gone hand in hand. We all heard of the days when the national anthem was played at the end of every movie. Every year there is at least one movie that keeps the patriotic spirit in us alive. From the black n white chronicles of the freedom struggle to the hep ultra modern youth transforming into freedom struggle revolutionaries… the movies have always kept up with the changing times and have pricked the patriotic conscience in us – if only for the 3 hrs that we are utterly alone in a dark hall full of people, who are experiencing the same. I wonder why the spirit dies down once the curtains are drawn and the lights are switched on, and we find ourselves once again a part of a crowd.

The legend of Bhagat Singh (one of the half a dozen similar chronicles to hit the silver screen at once) made Bhagat the unsung hero of the freedom struggle. Bhagat dreams of an India where “har dharam, har mazhab, har zyaat ke log ek hi aasmaan ke neechein suraksha ki neend so sakein. Aur wahi hoga sahi maine mein azaad Bharat. Sunehara Bharat… Hamara Bharat.” Rang De Basanti - a better box office hit, also a favourite among all the youth of today is more about caring for the country. It reinvented the spirit of the freedom struggle and made us feel that there was a Bhagat Singh hidden inside each of us. Lage raho Munna Bhai – another re-invention… this time the father of our nation went live on the FM. Taking up his principles and blending them with the mood of the our times - “Gandhigiri” became the new age mantra for non-violence. Chak de India – also patriotic in its own way… captured the spirit of patriotism that sports are always associated with them; reviving India’s interest in its national game. Lagaan – cricket and patriotism… the perfect mix! In Swades Mohan Bhargava gives up a dream job in the dream land, to work for the betterment of the home land… Swades deals with the new age patriotism. It gives a kind of solution to what can be done now. Halla Bol – another patriotic movie, which talks about integrity and standing up for what’s right; about taking responsibility to change the system that has gone wrong. Yuva another movie of the same kind, but the solution is different – urging the intelligentia to become a part of the political system.

Cinema is a very powerful medium in our country. It evokes passion in our country like nothing else (except cricket) does. But my question is why do we wait for a movie to come and tell us what is right and what ought to be done? And why is the effect so short lived? Every national holiday we sit and spend a short while wondering about patriotism – again thanks to the media which keeps flashing it up at our conscience. Shouldn’t patriotism be something more deep routed and permanent? Something that we should be proud of wearing up our sleeve? and not something that opens our eyes in dark theatres…There are a million ways to show our love for the nation. The simplest thing is to feel that it is yours. It is your very own wonderful beautiful nation… MY India, YOUR India, OUR India. It is your home. Take care of it as you would your own dwelling. Keep it clean, keep things in order, follow the law – they are just a small courtesy towards your neighbours sharing the same dwelling; help one another; raise your voice against injustice; take responsibility for changing what’s wrong. Take responsibility – ‘coz if you won’t do it who will? It is up to each and every one of us to keep our India shining. If it doesn’t – the fault lies within each one of us…

Take responsibility. “koi desh perfect nahi hota. Use perfect banana padta hai” n “… zimmedaari uthao use badal ne ki”. You can make a difference – for a better tomorrow – for you and for every one else on this beautiful piece of earth we call home – India.

Anosmia...

The 5 senses... Sight, Sound, Touch, Smell and Taste... I never realised how much a part of life they really are untill I lost one of them... ANOSMIA... One the funniest problem to be suffering from. A depressing but none the less funny one...

I can't smell... "not at all??? not even a leetle bit??? are you serious???" - ya, ya, ya... I am serious!!! I dont recall ever reading a story or watching a movie in which some one looses their sense of smell, not even in a comic!!! Now that I think of it... Are there people who cant taste??? Have to check that up. ANOSMIA - now thats a word that doesnt come up on the GRE wordlists...

I was reading a book today in which the author was describing a place and was talking about the smell of rotting pages of old books. Then I began to wonder how incomplete the description of any place is without describing the fragnances or odours. It was only recently that it hit me that I travelled across europe without any idea of what it smells like! I have been living for the last 8 months with anosmic memories. All my memories of the last 8 months (for sure... I donno when I really lost the sensation of smell actuallyyy) dont have any smell associated with them.

To be sure it is a very convenient problem to have sometimes... I can live aparently any where on earth - as someone pointed it out to me yesterday. I walk across anywhere without holding my breath or crinking up my nose. But... when you are actually making biryani and someone else comes in from another room to tell you that the aroma is great!!! Its not that great feeling - trust me! 

I remember many of the smells... people ask me how??? (rather laugh at that tooo :P) but I do remember some of my most favourite smells... and not so favourite ones too! I figured that I probably could eat papaya now that I cant smell it, but then I realised that I can still recollect the smell... :) so memory is still intact!!! 

My doc says he cant figure out why I lost the sensation of smell... I should get it back some day just like that. Another doc says I should keep checking for smell (huh???!!!). Most of my friends go into peals of laughter when ever they remember it... and if I am in a mood to laugh too, I join in - in thinkin up all the things that i can do now without any problem. But then again... I know I am missing out on something very important in life... I wish i could get it back... But I have quite given up on it!!!

je pense... along the godavari

There is something about getting lost in the folds of the inner realms of Mother Nature. Its something that can never be fully appreciated unless felt, touched, seen, smelt in person. The reality is sometimes coarser than in pictures and paintings but is a beauty by itself... "The strength of the hills" really means a lot. Hills - synonymous with long lasting constancy in the world where everything fades with time. Hills - covered with unexplored, naked, natural beauty... The intrusion of man into these areas seems unfair. But then again how fair is it to deprive man of the real original beauty of the world??? Perhaps the old way of exploring.... a small group of people on a wild, adventurous expedition... is the best!!!

Only those who really value what they are about to explore will brave it all. In today's world of commercialization where relaxation is offered on a platter full of holiday postcards, one comes to see something they hardly know how to appreciate. The "oooohhhh.... aaahhhh" at the right places, often missing the finest detail of all, or come to see the most hot spot of the season to be in the flow of things. Looking out for something long after it passed by unnoticed. 

We hardly treat nature with the respect it deserves. With sheer impunity we walk away with all our reckless actions. But wait... everything is being noticed... every paper plate dumped on the river, every plastic cover caught on a branch after a flood, every vibration of the stones due to the blaring music on the launches... everything!!! It will all come back a thousand nay million fold!!! Then we sit and lament about the cruelty of nature and curse all the Gods there are, then again immediately rush back to appease them.

Nothing about nature is ever sharp or angular. Everything is rounded & curved. So it is with all the constructions of old. Any attempts to reconstruct or repair lack that smooth, soft, rounded feel. Its wonderful how the utter lack of symmetry creates the ultimate wonders of nature. There is no organisation... everything is random... but oh so beautifully random. There in lies its charm... the uniqueness in everything. Nothing man made can ever achieve that distinction. Even with all our sophisticated planning we can never reach that level of imperfection!!!

Man is lost in the struggle for survival everywhere and in all ages. But it is different out here... With no technology, no development, and no traces of modern living - one looks at awe at the life here. Why is the presence of technology so important? Since when did it become a prerequisite for proper living? It has become sub-conscious thinking to regard lack of technology as 'primitive'. The outward so called norms of society if violated are only met with pity, disdain and contempt. Whom do we have to satisfy and why??? Who fixed these rules, who decides the ultimate good and bad for the world???

What about natural instincts, inner feelings, quiet joys & happiness??? What about satisfying the soul and having a nice quiet smile??? Where have all the relationships gone that are filled with love, trust & understanding??? Why should every relationship be worked on??? It is not like the days of yore didn’t have their own set of problems... We have tried to work on those problems but have lost somethings that they had. Some things that shouldn’t have been forgotten have been left behind. Can’t we hold onto the past on our march into the future???

But that again must be what evolution is all about... the wheel of time has to keep moving. It doesn’t stop for anyone. But, some times I think that we are only getting poorer with the passage of time survival of the fittest is the name of the game, but who ever said that the fittest was the best???

 

 

deutschland...

I was at the hauptbahnhof earlier this evening watching the second half of the euro cup match between Germany and Portugal at the burger king outlet. The Germans go crazy for football... I had seen them all get decked up for the match earlier. Anything that has German colours - garlands, strange hats, wrist bands... painting their flag colours all over their faces and hands. Ah... then I saw them after the match today... they poured into hauptbahnhof... literally poured in from all the places around where they were watching the match on large screens. they were blowing horns, singing, dancing, jumping, shouting, throwing beer bottles, hugging... everything... looking at them made me also happy... though I don’t know A,B,Cs of fussball and don’t care who won or lost. They got onto trains and jumped up and down shaking the wagons. They stood on platforms singing and shouting... aahh....

then you wonder... weren’t you travelling in an absolutely silent train this morning? Where did all that reserve, calm and quiet go??? hahahah.... Germans!!! They seem anti-social. No one cares about the one around, as in they don’t bother the ones around. Well, they also aren’t talk able in class... but there is one thing or the other that does stand out from within all that silence and primness. A piercing here, a wacky hair do there... its as if that is in defiance to all that reserve. Ah but they are so silent... completely so!

But when they do party... they DO party. They know how to chill out. Its like keeping all that energy inside and bursting out once in a while... and freakishly... after tonight... oh yeah Germans are just as crazy as anyone else... if not more!!! :)

Anne Frank

Anne Frank... When I first read the book way back when I was younger I didnt like it. For a few years when anyone mentioned it I would wonder why it was that famous. When I read it again out of some impulse... I loved it. I understood it better. I could feel the spirit that was reaching out through those pages. Growing up at such a time is so unimaginable for me. It was initially. Even yet the whole reality hit me only when I visited the Anne Frank Huis at amsterdam last week. Those narrow stairways, the small rooms. 8 people living together - stumbling over each other every moment, living under constant fear. What a life!!! What spirit!!!

No one deserves to live that way... It isnt right that we call ourselves civilized when we let such things happen. Its not as if it is different now. Same if not worse atrocities occur all over the world even today. We cant do anything about it. Through out human history we HUMANS have been torturing someone or the other. Then there is a revolution there things become better... Or so we think till something else goes wrong. Did anyone ever imagine there are so many ways in breaking the heart, the soul, the sprirt, the person???

Anne Frank was arrested in August 1944. She died at Auschwitz in March 1945. Auschwitz was liberated in April 1945. When Anna died she believed that her entire family was dead. Her sister had died a few days earlier. Had she known that her father was alive she would have held on... perhaps. What a way to kill the person... killing the reason to live. After all that struggle to live... she just lost the reason to do so any more. Oh world... How can you do this???

Anne is just one among millions... Millions who drown in an ocean of misplaced hatereds and angers. One of the mannnnnnyyyy souls that have a right to live same as the rest of us... The mannnyyy souls with their own special dreams in life... Life! How important it is... How easy to take one...

I am very disturbed by it all... Always was about this topic. We failed you Anne. The world hasn't learned. The world never will... We will not forget perhaps... But we wont do anything about it either. Your smile, Anna, will haunt me for ever!!! It will keep taunting me... We couldnt do anything... and cant do anything. Lovely young girls like you will be sacrificed at the alter of madddd passions and beliefs. I am sorry...

life... live... alive...

There is something about being alone if there is loveliness around you. The weather, the music, the trees, the wind, the food - everything add to the joy and romance of being alone. They add to every mood and every memory. Life is a beautifully mysterious thing. One never knows where one finds a friend, where one finds a smile, where one finds a memory that leaves not till one passes on. Life brings to us just what we need - at the time that we need it and at the time that we are ready for it. There never need any worry about where life is heading to. We just need to live and everything else will be taken care of for us.

Live every moment, live every chance… live every song, live every breath… live every smile and every tear drop… because it is yours. It is all yours… and it will never come back to you once it goes. Live because it is just one life you've got. Live because your life is the only thing that will ever really truly be yours - all yours. No one can take your life - not until you give it to them. Every step taken, every thought that lights up the mind, every word that leaves the lips, every smile that brightens up the moment, every laugh that rides the wind… every turn ever taken every decision ever made is all yours. Just yours. What you make of your life… how you live it is up to you*. No one can have made a choice for you - not truly - coz you chose to listen to them in the first place.

Live - because the world is a better place that you live. The world around you is just waiting to give you the best life possible. Every tree, every flower petal, every drop of water, every little wind-let and every ray of the sun is just waiting to make the best for you to live. Open up your arms and let that world in. Go for long walks and fall in love with yourself... Give up all worries. What you have, you have. What you don't, you don't. You want something - go get it. You've lost something??? Fine! You just didn't try hard enough - you still want it try again... harder. Or maybe it just wasn't ment for you, get up and move on with your life. There are equal amounts of joy and despair in this world. Keep your head screwed on right for both... Keep your heart light enough to come out from both stronger and better... its just one life... live it to the fullest!!! And heres to the best lives that can ever be lived... :)

* a debate with a friend (karan syal) made me realise that... most of what is in the blog is also from reflections after a talk with karan on a train journey. sharing thoughts... even a one sided pouring out shoots out new thought tendrils...

Dear Lady Luck,

I wonder what luck has go to do with anything in the world. Sometimes... when I envy someone I think they are lucky (ok I do give credit to them but sometimesss... only!!!). Then there are times when some people never get anything no matter how hard they try, and I wonder why they have to be so unlucky (are they doing things the wrong way? They can't be - not all the time!!!). Then again is my luck... never been lucky. I think so at least (does everyone do so about their own selves?) So what is this luck all about? Whom does it favor??? Any rule book???

Well... as things go... it is just better to think we get what we deserve, and keep working our asses of for something more that we do want (though why do others around us get it easier??? or may be they work behind their screens...I feel happier knowing they are plain lucky!!! than work harder ;)) There really is nothing free in the world is there??? Everything has to be bought - by time, sweat, brains, work, passion, and sacrifice... Every bit of fame and success has to be paid for in form or the other. Well this isn't wholly from experience...partly from observation.

Then again... how does it matter??? whatever the outcome is... did you enjoy the ride??? If you did it shouldn't bother you. This is one thing I learnt of late. You may have a million plans and dreams and the million and one-th one will come true (obviously nothing else will!!! rule of nature). The best thing is... to forget about the million plans then. And just look back only to think of the fun you had in planing them. The million and one-th one was the best thing for the moment!!! Nothing could have been better (okay I still have trouble thinking this though). capture the moment in your memory book to laugh at later (or just smile to yourself) and move on. Lady luck may not be on your side... Who cares!!! Have fun!!! Just keep up the smile :)

(inspired by the life of a dear friend whose address lady luck has forgotten...)

random thoughts...

sometimes... we never know the true meaning or value of a thing unless we strip it to its last reserve. it is said that only when people are far away do we realize their value... mabbe... its only when we don't have time to watch movies so we miss them... its only when i had to work on a 20seconds ad did i realize how long or even short a second can be. only now do i realize that it is not right to talk about any thing till we get into its soul...

another thing is that... flying off the handle at times of extreme tension and pressure is the easiest way to escape. but at the same time it is the stupidest. 'coz most often it lets out more energy than the situation warranted. i believe that life never makes things difficult. all that credit is just ours.

the best way to discover the world and understand how it evolved or works is to travel. in the off beat, far off, remote places lies the heart of civilization. without knowing the history we can never understand the present reality. what goes behind a race determines where it is heading now. A person who has never faced injustice can never learn to be cautious. looking at things in a detatched, third person point of view does help us understand things better. also to appreciate things better. a person attached to something can never really be its perfect judge. a little ironical of me to say it when i think only close friends have a right to judge me. perhaps the equation is different for people ;)

sometimes it is amazing to realize how life has actually evolved. life crops up in the most amazing of places. i happened to find three small shacks serving eatables et all to vehicles that are stopping at a railway crossing in the middle of a barren land. there was no sign of civilization for miles around. there is so much life n beauty in dry, barren, golden lands that roll by the train window sometimes; same as the lush green fields. life never never ceases to amaze me. the more i discover it the gladder i am that i am ALIVE!!!

education today

"Today, almost 5% of the country’s children, totalling one crore, are out of school and 27% of school-going kids are dropouts after class five. “There is a world outside your companies. You have built world-scale capacities. It is now your turn to build a society — a true school,"

this is an excerpt from Mr.Chidambaram's speech at the ET awards on 29th october. first of all felt very proud to have such a minister taking care of my country. the way he spoke and what he spoke... completely filled me with pride. I'm sorry I didn't know much about him before.

coming to what he said
5% = 1 crore - no education
27%= 5.4 crore - education till class 5
89%= 17.8 crore- some school education (class 10 max)

only 11% of our kids go to college. the global average is 45%. statistics are scary things but they are all that wake us up. we have so many colleges. i always thought so. AP especially has more colleges than it needs... so we all thought 'coz clearing EAMCET would guarentee a seat in an engineering college. we are missing the point some where. what is the use? there are coaching centres, concept schools, junior colleges at every turn and corner. it is just putting up a false image in front of us. can u just imagine? imagine how it is going to be when so many people arent educated? the IT sector will go on taking more people but whom will it take? the boom in the IT sector (or for that matter any other sector) doesn't reach the uneducated. if the world is only bothered about the unemployed educated what will happen to the uneducated?

going to Arkapalli and working there... i could get a glimpse of this fact. i was only thinking about that little village and the students there. Chidambaram's words were like a blow. its like u think the room is all mopped up and some one spills a gallon milk. ( thats a weird example but the only one i can think of now!). there is so much to do... but the villages and the dark interiors are barely visible in this cyber age. (you must have realized i dislike the IT sector and am a hard core civil engineer, by now)

SPRUHA's next mission is to put up a junior college in or near arkapalli. we hope to over come all the troubles and shortcomings of the already established and near to closing colleges. our vision is to start a small scale industry sorts which can employ all these people. our college and industry will go hand in hand. they work half day and study for free. those who really wanna go ahead in life get the education the ones not so ambitious learn a trade and get a job. wish it works out. it is still a dream and one we wanna make come true as soon as possible. the college work should start moving soon. we would love help...

packed journeys...

came home in a SETWIN bus today. SETWIN stands for Society for Employment Promotion & Training in Twin Cities, so is exclusive for Hyderabad n sec'bad only. once long ago a friend told me that getting into a SETWIN bus takes you directly up! but that was back when they had rickety scary looking buses. now they have all new buses so i decided to take a chance and got into the already packed bus. now this isn't the normal APSRTC big bus, its a small one and people were packed! jammmmmm packed. every time some one has to disembark few more have to get down to make place and then get on again. people pushed against each other, with hardly any place to firmly anchor the feet, nor anything to hold on to to keep standing as the bus buzzes off...

what really made todays journey interesting was the bus conductor. he was full of lively chatter keepin a smile on everyone's lips and making the journey less uncomfy. at every stop he would shout out for more people to get on, inviting more people when you would wonder where they would fit in. then of course were the passengers. today i found an exceptionally large number of people who were ready to exchange smiles. was that because of the happy atmosphere in spite of the heat and the strain??

in just a moment

isnt it strange how the world changes in just a moment? no I'm not talking about the big drastic changes that disasters bring about... about the small things that make subtle changes and we ourselves know not that it has happened till we come across the same situation and we realize that things aren't the same anymore.

an accident.... and forever you get that small moment of fear when u slam down the brake and look up to make sure no one is right behind you. a breach of trust and you know you don't want to travel that lane again, and all sense of security is lost. a sudden glowing of the bulb in your head and that little imp that resides there sees a new world altogether. the moment of comprehension of something changes it forever, and you begin to wonder how you could have been so dumb in the first place....the latter moments i do enjoy but the first ones... hmmm can't seem to help them now can we?

chak de INDIA...

jana gana mana adhinayaka....
sukhadaam varadhaam mataram... vande mataram!!!
hamara tiranga aasman mein leherata...

just fills me with a passion that fills the entire being and gives me immense inspiration to get up and do something, and do it best!!! my INDIA... hamara INDIA

INDIA... is like no other country in the world. not only because of it's past, nor of it's present. not because of it's culture, nor of it's diversity. not because of it's problems nor of its triumphs. INDIA is INDIA because every Indian has stood up with pride and passion for the nation sometime in their life and felt him self to be a indian deep inside in every part of the being - be it for the flag hoisting, a cricket match, a war, a natural calamity, or a patriotic moment in a movie.

born Indian... inherited its history, culture, values, superstitions, triumphs and pitfalls... we know that what we have now has been hard earned. its not ours just for the heck of it. it has been given to us... a great privilage. INDIA is INDIA because even today we believe in making INDIA glorious. even today we youth are ready to stand up for the cause of a better tomorrow. even today bharat mata is our mother. even today we belive in ourt being united.no matter what others try to tell us - from the north to the south we all believe in secularism. even today we sign up to fight for the country...

60 years of independence...perhaps we are not the dream of our freedom fighter fathers, but we are still together. we still learn and we still want to give up everything for hamara bharat mahan! INDIA oh INDIA!!! proud of everything that we stand for. proud of everything we have accomplished... and ready to touch the sky in the years to come... we will make you prouder!!! chak de INDIA...

this is a beautiful song... from the movie swades... captures the feel perfectly and rahman composed n sang it event more wonderfully!!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=aoRm4-QuYKw

just wanna go out there and answer that call!!!

talk about adverntures...

adventures... ha!!! when my aunt first told me about Devprayag - the place where Bhagirathi and Alaknanda join to form the Ganga; i formed the mental image of some flat land and we are on the river banks. then started our journey to Devprayag, which lies enroute to Bhadrinath. it was a proper hilly terrain ride with bends and views (n some sick stops ;) ). the river below snaking through... the hills were completely covered and greeeeen.the road was bumpy and bad. finally after around 5 hrs we reached Devprayag.

Devprayag is a small village situated on both sides of the river. the village is on the hill sides with houses close to each other one on top of the other, as if to shelter each other from the cold and the weather elements. the road goes through one level and to reach any other place you have to walk and climb steep high steps ( unacceptable if normal standards of rise of stairs are considered). there is a cable bridge that connects the two sides over the river Bhagirathi. there are a couple of temples there... but one is at the confluence point. you can go down to the river and at the triangular point you can wash your feet, take a bath or what ever else. the small temple there gives "aarti" to the river every morning and evening. so this is Devprayag.

now our adventure. we got rooms on the opposite side of the confluence which gives us the vintage view of the whole thing. we then crossed over the bridge to go to the other side. halfway through a strong wind started blowing... on the other side we had to walk have blinded by all the dust that was getting into our eyes. the roadside shops pulled their shutters low. we walked down the steep steps to the confluence, and the water was freezing... by the time we got there heavy clouds started comin up and the whole climate was aweeeeeeeesomeeee.... absolutely perfect! at the side where Bhagirathi comes there were some fish; dad and brothers tried to catch them by luring them closer with fish food. didn't work.

by the time we started back it started raining. we were right at the middle of the bridge when it started beatin down on us. my brother and i stood there for a while enjoying the wind, the bridge rockin and the rain... the Bhagirathi flows with more force and thunder, and it was right below us. we reached the rooms to find that there was no electricity. we survived on candle light. the moon was also heavenly... walked up for a paratha dinner. he actually cuts this hugeee slice of amul butter and puts it on your paratha. you have to smear it all over. but even yet it is a big slice.

next morning we could clearly see the confluence. the muddy Alaknanda and the clear green Bhagirathi. after a breakfast of some more parathas we started back... fresh and ready for rafting. 15kms frm Devpryag our car broke down, right next to a road side shop. the driver hitched a ride back to get a "mistri" while we waited. an hour later though we got a lift from a bus and travelled 20kms to Byasi standing. once at Byasi we found this guy who said he will organise our rafting but that we needed to go 6kms to that point. we had lunch and waited for the drive he was to arrange. it ended up being a pick up truck from the camp.

we drove down to the camp, us kids behind with the luggage and the elders stuffed in. it was an interesting ride. then we had to walk down to the river, through a steep path. the sand was white and shiny, with boulders at the riverside. we sat playin in the rocks till we started rafting. the rafting was damn fun. though i would prefer the rafting in the Beas river any day, this one had its charms too. in the placid and calm stretches he let us get into the river and drift along, he allowed us to do that at one rapid also. that was FUN! the rowing was fun then, but isn't now! (my arms and my palms ache :( )

when we reached the camp we camp to know that our car was fine and could be trace. so again we started off... hungry and waitin to hit the bed. 6 kms from Rishikesh our car broke down again. same trouble, something to do with the axle. we sat there on the roadside. me on a small drum kind of thing filled with concrete, some kind of road barrier. i was looking down to the river, to my right was Rishikesh, the famous Lakshman jhula faintly visible, and the moon was rising to my right, my back to the road. just sat there for around 45mins i think. enjoying the romance of the situation. the moon climbed higher, almost full and a reddish tint around it. Rishikesh began to light up with the reflections in the river and then evening aarti to the river Ganges. ah it was wonderful. the faint thunder of the river down below, the honking of the cars, and the family talking all around me.

we were picked up by another car of the same taxi service, which happened to be in Rishikesh. the wonderful thing was that he was with an army brigadier then, so had a red lamp on the car top. he brought us home to Roorkee in record time, whooshing across continuously, running in and out through the heavvvvvvy traffic, taking by passes and what not... whew we were finally home at 9:45pm. me ready to crash with no energy to go out for dinner, ended up with a mango dinner :P .

so that was it... i know it is a long story. it was an interesting one. would i want to go though it again? yeah, indeed!!! my India is the only country where there are temples for rivers, and which get special services everyday. it is the same country that sinks all its sins in them, and pollutes them with all our excess discharges. it is in this same country that an Arkapalli exists, poor with lack of water to achieve anything; and then there is a Devprayag with so much water that they don't know what to do with it, and are still poor. oh there is so much work to be done here. my INDIA... there is so much to it. so many things to see and discover and understand. this place never ceases to amaze and mesmerise. my INDIA greatest!

bharat darshan

my mom calls my Arkapalli visits my Bharat darshan. well in many ways it is the most apt thing to call it. every time i go i end up seeing new angles to things. i had gone to Arkapalli last weekend to attend a marriage there. on the way to Arkapalli Anurag and i were talking and he said " I'm just thinking about how funny things are. you sit and think about your room. how it should be what all you should have; i think that if i only have a room to myself its enough. a person in these areas would think if i only had a proper room for my whole family." I've always always wondered who makes these differences? who decides who gets what and who lives how? if we are all the same... then how come such not-so-subtle and distinct differences exist?

the wedding... well it was an interesting event, as with everything else in India, the ceremony was different from the various wedding ceremonies i have seen so far. nothing ever occurs in t he same way throughout India. we couldn't have lunch there. the crowd was... my friends decided that they couldn't stand it all. for us... it was an alien atmosphere. things are so different there. so different from the world we are used to. why does life become cruder as you go down the social ladder? lives become cruder, their worlds go cruder.

then on the way back... we had to travel a stretch through a 7 seater auto. another girl and i were sitting at the rear facing the back. there were some people on bikes who kept following us for a while (i slept off soon and so didn't know how long!). what is it with men? is this all there is to their field of view? no, I'm not blaming them all. but every now and then i come across some specimen, or some incident and i cant help but... scream out at the whole lot! get a life!!!

there was more to our journey that day. we caught a bus at kalwakurthi. as the bus started entering the depot people ran to it and hung from its windows to reserve a seat by throwing kerchiefs in. hot and hungry and sleepy we got in and found seats and sat down. at the next stop all of us were woken up the crowd that got in. for a long time there was non stop bickering and shouting. then there was this one lady who kept pushing into my friend's seat and then kept glaring at her throughout the journey. people always grudge other people their comfort. seems like the biggest failing of human life.

things... are confusing to me as always... i try to analyze ever scene in the film of my life and end up confused and disoriented. reading a lot of Richard Bach now. and his school of thought is very very comforting for me... all i can say is "life is an illusion". everything is illusions. its just how you decide to play it.

"The world
is your exercise-book, the pages
on which you do your sums.
Its not reality,
although you can express reality
there if you wish.
You are also
free to write nonsense,
or lies, or to tear
the pages."

-ILLUSIONS
Richard Bach

acads...

i spoke to a school teacher of mine today. Mrs. Jayashree... the moment you look at her you know that that is what you want to be when you grow up. the amount of grace, beauty and kindness she portrays is unexplainable. she has been one of the major influences in my life. she was the one who first commended my writing skills. so of course i wont ever forget that. many a times we would stop her in the corridor and begin a conversation that would cover all topics from politics, history, poetry and what not... thank you Mrs.Jayashree for all that you have brought into my life! they dont make teachers like her anymore. its the old school... and oh so valuable! i pity the new generation for their loss... i really do.

i have also spent some time with a schoolmate of mine. she was a kid then, 4th class, when i passed out of school. she told me that my school now had an iit foundation course and students were being forced to join it. i felt awful. i was thinking that my school will forever remain those old world heavens. but the grind has crossed the convent walls also. will they never leave? i myself went to a foundation course. i don't regret it, but that wasn't in school. school was our learning paradise. in St.Ann's i grew as a person, all around, all sectors. the acads never pressurized me. i studied and played at the same time. i understand that as time goes on the stress starts acting on younger and younger kids. its stupid! I'm sure no one who has been through this grind will ever recommend it to someone else.

then again... i am of the group that believes in all round development. i believe in reading books, developing arts, wasting time over extra curriculars... i think at the end of the day these matter. not just your acad excellence... yes acads matter. they definitely do. but not to the extent of forgetting everything else. marks never made sense to me( okay i confess was near the top at school... never worked with that aim though). which was perhaps why i never made it into an IIT. i still believe in studying at my pace, on my terms. i study and understand things my way. i cant survive in a corporate college and get lost in the crowd.

i don't see why our new generation, our brilliant new minds should be sent through this torture. i know loads of students who have gone through the grind, and they hate every bit of it. they promise themselves that never again! but it just doesn't happen... this damn society will get to them. it will... no matter what! what is it that it wants in the end? there are loads of the best minds in our country who are squashed in this game and end up in death. suicides in IITs. suicides, everywhere, anywhere, during exams. does it make sense? LIFE... to be thrown off for a mark sheet? shame on you society! it is you just you who is driving us crazy! we cant keep up to your expectations. give us some breathing space. some space to live...

in 'the bridge across forever' richard bach says "anyone desperate enough for suicide should be desperate enough for creative extremes to solve problems: elope at midnight, stow away on the boat to New Zealand and start over, do what they always wanted to do but were afraid to try." all you pals who wanna give up on life... please think about for a moment. is it worth it? its your life buddy... no matter what the others say and expect. you are the mastery of your destiny. what ever the problem... it will be okay... you can work it out. even if all seems lost today... there is another tomorrow. please think about it. failure isn't the end of the world. it could always mean a new beginning and you have to be able to make that new start...

NIRMAAN '07

if i don't write about NIRMAAN '07 I'll be missing out something in my life. NIRMAAN '07 has been an unforgettable phase of college life. but before i come to NIRMAAN i have to talk about the days before it all. the year has been absolutely rocking and packed so far. i actually started off with the alumni meet function on dec 30th. i learnt a lot that day... a lot. for the first time i faced a really really crazy crowd... standing up before them was a little scary. i got through and ended up having a lot of fun at college... the best part was staying back till almost 11:00 and the beautiful beautiful sight of my college building all decked up. i LOVE the main building of my college.

then came the week at arkapalli... that was another learning experience. this time too i was up before people, but a different crowd altogether. trying to teach the students in telugu... concepts that i learnt in English (ages back it seems now!). arkapalli camp will be a never to be forgotten adventure. coming back from arkapalli i had to go to IITB for the techfest. this was yet another learning experience. this time i was down on the ground observing, making mental notes and learning. i came back from IIT with a urge to do better and better... the sky moved up... the limits and boundaries changed and altered. the world became much more challenging and much more exciting.

then after a brief interlude with books, i got my fingers and hands and everything into NIRMAAN '07. in spite of my strict resolutions about not being involved i couldn't keep away. neither then then nor later did i imagine that NIRMAAN '07 would make a such a change in my life. the week that contained NIRMAAN was filled to the core... complete physical exhaustion, mental saturation an extreme hunger... we had them all. with loads of masti, laughter and to my surprise... dancing!!!

NIRMAAN '07 didn't go according to the schedule. many things that were planned didn't show up, what did weren't perfectly executed (near perfection isn't perfection). for a someone looking at everything with a critical eye it was probably a slight mess. but i have to admit i am damn glad that it was only a 'slight' mess. i shudder even now when i think of the near disasters we avoided. but for all that NIRMAAN was great... simply great.

I'm damn proud to be able to say that i was an event manager at NIRMAAN'07 (program coordinator according to the souvenir - thank you ramesh!!!). NIRMAAN wasn't perfect but it was ours. completely conceived and carried out by ourselves... given the resources and time i think we did very very well. the Total station workshop was a hit (thank goodness!!!) , AAVISHKAR was another bigggg hit. i don't think we ourselves imagined it would turn out to be such a wonderful event. i will never forget the silent look of achievement on the faces of the team as they saw the participants struggle to build the bridges. the autocad design contest wasn't a biggg hit but it was something new... the guest lecture by prof.P Rao was aweeeesomeee as always...

though the paper presentations werent up to the mark... just as expected. everything went off pretty well. my alpha sudokus, jayanth's crosswords, sweta and satya's quiz, sweta's family finding, rohit and naresh's AAVISHKAR testing stand.... we all had our bits of work and our bits of glory. shravs and her registration desk, kiran and his certis, vamshi and spandy's tambola and lucky 7 requests... pandu's journalists, ravi nayak and his dances, sanjay and his cam, murali and maya!!! surekha, sujay and mallesham and their queries, murali and meena and their masti... ohhhhh i have so many many many memories... prof.ravande kishore... working under him, was great.

we created history at OU... the girls getting up to dance at a cultural event... that too with no akward situations coming up. the masti on the main steps on the last day. UNFORGETTABLE... seriously i never felt that such moments could come up at OU. no one minded anything. and for an amazing amount of time... we forgot one thing that OU is great at reminding - "we were girls and they were boys..." of how i love my college!!! i LOVE my life at OUCE. with all its obstacles, all its troubles and all its challenges. i am a part of it now, and i am so PROUD of that fact.

at the end of the day... after the crazy valedictory function - ramesh your speech... i know i wrote it out for you... but people he didn't read it at all!!! (our HOD B.N.Reddy??? :-) )the night on the steps... i had an acute feeling of depression. NIRMAAN was a passion that filled our entire beings those 3 days. once it had all been drained out... the emptiness seemed maddening. but the feeling of satisfaction of a job well done... could have been a little better (as always!!!) . OUR NIRMAAN was a hit!!! it really was... in spite of all the wrong starts and with every possible thing going wrong... YES!!! it was a hit...

NIRMAAN taught me a lot about responsibility, planing and execution. It also gave me the confidence that i can handle somethings.thanks a lotttt Ramesh... for giving me a free hand, for pushing me on, for believing in me!!! i am more comfortable on the stage now ( but i still don't know what one is supposed to speak when one is up there for a cultural event... how do u anchor it properly???) i MISSSSSS NIRMAAN very very much. after NIRMAAN '06 i made new relationships and broke some old ones... and i thoughts things couldn't get better. NIRMAAN '07 changed all that. Things got bigger and better... and yes some more new relationships starting off... next year at the same time i will tell u how they turn out!!!